


Between Decks 4 and 5

by traccigaryn



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hopeful Ending, On This Starship We Talk About Our Feelings, Turbolift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:22:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23086957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traccigaryn/pseuds/traccigaryn
Summary: Stuck in a turbolift, Janeway and Chakotay address their failing relationship.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 42
Kudos: 133
Collections: Janeway/Chakotay Trope fics





	Between Decks 4 and 5

**Author's Note:**

> I figure we all have our ideas about when and why things went south for J/C and when and why to address that, so go ahead and place this story wherever it fits your idea best.

They had been arguing on and off for three days.

"You know this is a bad idea, Kathryn," Chakotay said as they entered the turbolift.

"Bridge." She barked out the computer command before turning to him. "It's risky, but I think the potential benefits outweigh that," she told him, the statement a familiar refrain at this point.

Chakotay opened his mouth to rebut once again but the turbolift suddenly jolted and stopped. The motion caused Kathryn's head to slam hard against his chin, forcing his own head back into the wall. The lights flashed out, and the emergency lighting flickered on.

Beside him, Kathryn let out a sharp "Ow!" This was followed a second later by a very low, very adamant, "That _hurt_."

His grunt of agreement turned to a groan at the shooting pain it caused.

"Okay, Chakotay?" she asked with concern.

His head was pounding. "I'll live. You?"

"I'll live." She tapped her combadge. "Janeway to the bridge. What's going on, Tuvok?"

"We're receiving reports of sudden power failures throughout the ship, Captain. Cause still unknown. Are you in an affected area?"

"Yes, Commander Chakotay and I are stuck in the turbolift on our way to the bridge. Between decks 4 and 5 it looks like. Let me know as soon as you've learned anything more."

Tuvok acknowledged the command and ended the transmission.

Kathryn turned to him. "Are you sure you're okay? Your head took a double blow. You might have a concussion." She placed her hands on his shoulders and rose onto her tiptoes, peering closely at him. After a second, she gave a little puff of amusement. "What am I doing? Your eyes are so dark already, and with this low lighting, I can't tell if your pupils are dilated or not." She rubbed her hands back and forth across his shoulders as she sank down onto her heels. "How do you feel?"

How did he feel? Thoroughly charmed by the sight of his larger-than-life yet diminutive captain trying to even out their height difference. Dammit. Every time he thought he'd locked away those feelings, something like this happened. He had worked so hard to accept the parameters of their relationship, and had reluctantly readjusted again when the arguments began to overshadow the trusting rapport they'd established, but every so often they'd slip back into old habits and he'd forget himself for just an instant. The remembering was always bitter, exhausting. 

Not that he could say any of that out loud. "I think I'm okay. A headache, but that's to be expected. No nausea or dizziness. Let me know if I space out or anything. How about you?"

"Same."

"Tuvok to the captain." 

Kathryn's hands slid from his shoulders. Chakotay laughed to himself. He could always count on Tuvok to interrupt his conversations with the captain whenever they started to drift too close for comfort. 

"Janeway here. What's happening, Tuvok?"

"According to Lieutenant Torres, we're experiencing a cascade failure in the bioneural circuitry, causing power to fluctuate throughout the ship," the Vulcan reported. 

Kathryn started toward the turbolift door. "She could use some help, I'm sure. We'll use the manual override on the door, get to Engineering via the Jeffries tubes." 

Before Chakotay could join her, Tuvok added, "Lieutenant Torres has reduced power levels to minimum throughout the ship so she and her team can track the faulty circuitry. She is asking everyone to remain in place if possible to not interfere with their analysis." 

Chakotay watched Kathryn's shoulders fall almost imperceptibly. She didn't take well to being sidelined. "A wise course of action. Thank you, Mr. Tuvok. Keep us posted. Janeway out."

Turning away from the door, Kathryn gave him a tight smile. "Looks like we'll be here a while. We may as well get comfortable."

"No argument from me."

He extended his hand, and she silently grasped onto it long enough to sit. As he joined her on the floor, she murmured, "We argue all the time now, you know."

Conversational tone or not, he wasn't entirely sure she'd meant for him to hear that. "Yes, I know," he responded before he could stop himself.

"So what can we do about it?" Her tone held more challenge than she probably realized. Just another problem to be solved.

Her voice and his headache overtook the reserve he'd developed with her. "Do you _want_ to do something about it?" 

He heard a little intake of breath as she realized he'd piloted them straight past casual observation and on toward honest conversation. After a pause she responded, "I _want to_ want to." Then: "Do you?"

"Yes. Absolutely. Despite everything." Still, shying away from honesty with her wasn't his job, and he continued softly, "But this is one burden I can't carry for you."

She hunched into herself slightly. "How did we get here, Chakotay?"

Ah, "here". The Gordian knot that was their everyday lives. It was funny to think, but those early days of their journey had seemed so hard at the time, and now he'd almost pay real latinum to return to them. 

He side-stepped her actual question, choosing to tackle what was at its heart instead. "I think a lot of what we're feeling creeps into any long-term relationship after a while. Barely a day goes by when we don't spend 10, 12, 16 hours together. And in between fighting for resources or our lives, there is the day-to-day monotony of travel." He kept his voice even for the next part. "The monotony of being together."

"You've never been shy about tackling the complexities of emotion, have you, Chakotay?" Kathryn asked. "Sometimes … sometimes I think about how we're stuck together. All of us, no matter what. Maybe for decades. And there is a hopelessness in that which gnaws at me."

"In a mood like that, being alone can hold a lot of appeal." 

She turned to look directly at him. "Do you think I like being alone?" He hesitated a second too long before responding and she said, "You do?" The pain in that little question was palpable.

He cursed his honest nature. "Maybe 'like' isn't the right word, but yes, I think feeling alone fuels you. It's the blanket you wrap yourself up in at night to comfort yourself and ease your guilt."

"The blanket is thin, but it's the only one I have." Her voice was acerbic, defensive. "My guilt. That's rich coming from you, Chakotay. You're safe. And safe won't get us home." 

At earlier points in his life, he would have bristled angrily at her words. But he had long ago accepted his decision to be the man he now was and the role he had to play on this ship. 

Kathryn was still going. "I just don't understand you sometimes, Chakotay. I've read your file. You used to be as reckless as me. Hell, the only reason you're on this ship is because you sacrificed yours and barely got out."

"There was plenty of time."

"See? That's exactly what I'm talking about. No, there wasn't."

He forced his voice to stay calm, matter-of-fact. "I think you often forget everything I have gone through, and that how I choose to act now is exactly that: a choice. This ship wouldn't survive having two mavericks at the top, Kathryn. You know that."

She turned away from him guiltily. The fight had left her again. "I do know that, and I am so thankful I have you to do that for me. But while it's happening? It just feels like …"

He shifted himself back into her line of sight. "Like I'm holding you back."

"Yes. And I get so angry with you. It boils inside me until I can barely look at you. We never get a quiet moment long enough for that to go away. It's there, simmering all the time, until it takes over again."

"I'm not exactly happy with you most of the time now either, Kathryn."

"So how do we fix it?" she asked urgently, her hand seeking his. "I miss yo — " she cut herself off. "I miss my friend." 

He refused to couch his words. "I miss you too. But I think … I think we need to see it through. Let things continue to play out naturally instead of trying to force a fix neither of us is ready for yet. That just creates new problems. Just having had this conversation means something will have to change eventually, right? And when we come out the other side, our relationship will be stronger. It may not be what we expect or want, but it'll be stronger."

She gave a bitter laugh. "Stuck between decks 4 and 5 for a while longer."

"Something like that." An involuntary little smile played across his mouth. He adjusted his hand so their fingers threaded together. Not for the first time, he marveled at their casual intimacy, even when it felt like their overall relationship was facing an imminent breach. Maybe that was why he still had faith they'd make it through to the other side.

He sat, content to hold her hand in the half-light, his headache gradually receding. 

Kathryn spoke up after several minutes. "Since we're waiting, I want to say something else. The next time some woman captures your attention —" 

What? He opened his mouth to protest then stopped. It's not like it hadn't happened before, for either of them. 

"When that happens," she continued, and she'd known exactly when to pause, when to let him think, "enjoy it. For the passing escape it is. We get little enough of that as it is out here." 

She hesitated, and he could almost feel her deciding if she should keep talking. He stayed still, knowing this topic might never come up between them again. After what felt like an eternity, she quietly added, "But just remember I'll be waiting."

Chakotay sat in silence, nonplussed. Of all the times she could choose to acknowledge feelings he could never even be sure she had. His mind whirred, frantically trying to come up with the right response to having had his entire world turned upside down.

Before he could say anything, she added, "You have such a capacity for love and care, and stifling that is one of the worst sins I have ever committed, but I can't be with you on this ship. I can't." Her voice was broken steel. 

He found expression for her. "I know. I know," he soothed, complicit in their condemnation. Her wide eyes tracked the movement as he lifted their joined hands and gently placed a kiss on the inside of her wrist. 

"I still have hope we'll make it home," she said firmly. 

He knew, despite the unexpected honesty, she would not appreciate this turning into a swelling, romantic scene. Most likely, she was already starting to regret what she'd said. Those possible decades weighing on her. So he changed the subject. Dusted off the truth he'd never intended to share with her either. 

He placed her hand over her heart, covering it lightly with his own. "I'm going to say this once, and I'm never going to say it again. Take all of your anger and use it, Kathryn. When you get a chance to get us home, you take it. No matter what it costs. No matter who tries to stop you. Your gambles have a tendency to pay off."

She nodded in solemn gratitude, then did him the favor of making light of the situation. "Okay, but if I get in trouble for it with Starfleet Command, I'm blaming you."

"Oh, please do. Maybe I can get solitary too when they sentence me to prison."

They laughed at the absurdity of their helplessness. He would have said more, but Tuvok piped in to tell them repairs had almost reached their location.

So they sat side by side in the first companionable silence they'd shared in months. 

"What were we arguing about before this all started?" he asked after a moment.

She gave a faint snort. "I don't remember. We'll work it out eventually anyway." 

The turbolift hummed into motion.


End file.
